Religious Tits « Result #1 on Mar 11, 2009, 4:06am »
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'
'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'
Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'
The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Hypnotist Error « Result #2 on Mar 11, 2009, 4:02am »
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
The Monkey and the Crocodile « Result #3 on Mar 10, 2009, 2:55am »
A long time ago a monkey lived in a great fig tree on the riverbank of the river Ganges at the foot of the Himalaya Mountains. Life was good for him. He grew big and strong eating the tree's fruit.
A lot of crocodiles lived in the river and one of them watched the monkey for a long time as he ate and slept in the tree.
¡°That monkey's heart must taste so sweet from all the fruit he eats¡± the crocodile thought to herself. ¡°I want to eat it¡±.
She turned to her husband and said ¡°See the big monkey up there in that tree. Bring me his heart, I want to eat it¡±.
Her husband looked up at the monkey in the tree and then looked at his wife. ¡°But the monkey lives high in the tree and I¡¯m here in the river. How can I catch him?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t care how you do it, just bring me his heart¡± yelled his wife, slapping the water angrily with her tail.
Her husband knew there was no way of talking her out of something, once she had made up her mind. She wouldn¡¯t talk to him again until he brought her the monkey¡¯s heart.
¡°Ok, Ok, calm down, I¡¯ll think of something, dearest¡± he said.
The crocodile thought and thought and finally came up with a plan.
¡°I know what I¡¯ll do¡± he said to himself. ¡°I'll trick the monkey into riding on my back¡±
The crocodile swam closer to the tree. ¡°Hello Mr Monkey. How are you today?¡± he called out, smiling and trying to sound friendly. He wasn¡¯t too bright. When he smiled he showed all his big teeth.
¡°I'm fine, thank you¡± said the monkey, trying not to look scared as he stared down from the tree at the open mouth with all those big sharp teeth.
¡°Mr Monkey, why do you only eat the fruit from that fig tree when there are so many juicy mangoes on trees on the island in the middle of the river?¡± asked the crocodile.
¡°Because I can¡¯t get across the river, the water is too deep¡± answered the monkey.
¡°No problem, you can ride on my back and I'll take you over there¡± said the crocodile.
The monkey didn¡¯t trust the crocodile completely, but he was greedy and he wanted to taste all those juicy mangoes on the island. So he jumped down onto the crocodile¡¯s back.
¡°Hold on tight and off we go¡± said the crocodile.
The crocodile had only swum a little way when he dived under the water.
¡°Why did you do that?¡± said the monkey, spluttering and spitting out water. ¡°I could have drowned¡±.
¡°You are going to drown¡± said the crocodile. ¡°I'm going to hold
you under the water and kill you. My wife wants me to bring her your heart so she can eat it.¡±
¡°Ah, you should have told me before we left¡± said the monkey.
¡°I didn¡¯t bring my heart with me. I don¡¯t keep it inside me all the time because it could get knocked to pieces from all that jumping around in the tree¡± he said.
"Take me over to the island and after I've eaten some mangoes, we'll go back to my tree and I'll get my heart for you¡± said the monkey.
¡°No way, monkey¡± said the crocodile. "We¡¯re going back for your heart first and then we¡¯ll see about the mangoes.¡±
¡°Fair enough, you¡¯re the boss¡± said the monkey.
When they got back to the tree the monkey jumped off the crocodile¡¯s back and ran up high into the tree.
The monkey yelled down at the crocodile ¡°You dumb crocodile, who ever heard of anyone keeping their heart up a tree. You may be bigger than me and have lots of sharp teeth but you're not smarter than me. My heart is inside me, come up here and get it if you can¡±.
The crocodile realised he'd been tricked. He was sad and miserable.
¡°This is not good. How am I ever going to explain this to my wife?¡± the crocodile thought to himself. ¡°She so wanted to taste that monkey¡¯s heart¡±
A tear fell down his cheek as he swam back to his wife.
Coyote brings fire « Result #4 on Mar 10, 2009, 2:55am »
Long ago, the Fire Beings were the only people who had fire.
They guarded it closely and wouldn't share it with other tribes or animals.
This didn't matter so much in spring and summer, but in winter many young children and old people died from the icy cold.
Just before the next winter, some of the animals called a meeting. "We can't let our children and grandparents die from the cold this year," said Squirrel. "We have to get fire from the Fire Beings to keep warm."
"How can we do that?" asked Chipmunk. "The Fire Beings won't share it with us".
"Let's ask Coyote for help" said Frog. "He's crafty and cunning, and he'll know how to get fire".
Coyote listened and thought about the problem. Then he smiled a cunning smile.
"There is a way to get fire from the selfish Fire Beings" he said.
"How? How can we do that?" asked Chipmunk.
"We'll take it!" answered Coyote slyly. "I have a plan. Follow me!"
Coyote lead the animals to the Fire Beings' camp on top of the mountain. The others hid in the bushes while Coyote walked into the camp.
"Who's there?" screeched one of the Beings. "Someone's trying to steal our fire".
"It's all right," hissed another. "It's only an old moth eaten coyote". "Huummph! Moth eaten indeed," thought Coyote, but he didn't say anything. He lay down by the fire and pretended to go to sleep, keeping one eye half open.
Three Fire Beings sat nearby. One was huge and ugly - with a small bald head and big rolls of fat around his stomach. Snot dripped in long slimy strands from his nose. The other two were old hags, with eyes like red stones and clawed hands like a vulture.
After a few minutes, a banging noise started in the bushes. It was Coyote's friends.
"What's that horrible noise?" cried the fat ugly Fire Being. "Who's there?" The three of them went to investigate.
Seeing his chance, Coyote snatched up a glowing piece of fire and ran off down the mountain as fast as he could. Realising they had been tricked, the two hags screamed and chased after him. The big fat bald Fire Being just stood there, with more snot dripping from his nose.
The hags were old, but they could run like the wind. They nearly caught Coyote. One of them stretched out her claws and touched the tip of his tail. The heat turned the hairs white.
Coyote threw the fire into the air towards Squirrel. She caught it in her tail and scampered off over stumps and boulders. The fire scorched her so badly, that her tail curled u
p over her back. She was almost caught, until Chipmunk bounded up beside her.
"Me! Me! Throw it to me!" Catching the fire, Chipmunk turned to run. One of the hags clawed her back leaving three stripes down it. Chipmunk threw the fire to Frog, but one of the Beings grabbed his tail.
"Let me go!" yelled Frog. He squirmed and struggled so much that his eyeballs bulged and he thought his heart would burst.
With one last mighty leap he tore himself free, leaving his beautiful long tail behind, still wriggling in the hag's claw.
Frog threw the fire to Wood and Wood swallowed it. The Fire Beings hit Wood and kicked him and cut him with their knives, but still Wood didn't spit out the fire.
At last the hags gave up and went home, mumbling to themselves: "Oh dear, I think I broke a nail". "Never mind. We'll have frog's tail soup tonight." "Mmm! That sounds nice".
Coyote called all the animals together to teach them how to get the fire from Wood.
"Fire is a gift for everyone. If you rub two dry sticks of Wood together very fast Wood will get itchy and give you some fire. From now on you will be warm in winter".
"I told you Coyote was cunning" said Frog.
"Yes, but I wonder what frog's tail soup tastes like?" asked Squirrel.
And that is why today, Coyote's tail has a white tip, squirrel's tail curls around over her back, chipmunk's coat has white stripes and frog has no tail.
The Lion and the Mouse « Result #5 on Feb 27, 2009, 1:45am »
A LION was awakened from sleep by a Mouse running over his face. Rising up angrily, he caught him and was about to kill him, when the Mouse piteously entreated, saying: "If you would only spare my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness." The Lion laughed and let him go. It happened shortly after this that the Lion was caught by some hunters, who bound him by strong ropes to the ground. The Mouse, recognizing his roar, came and gnawed the rope with his teeth and set him free, exclaiming: "You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, expecting to receive from me any repayment of your favor; now you know that it is possible for even a Mouse to con benefits on a Lion."
How the Swan got a long neck « Result #6 on Feb 27, 2009, 1:44am »
There was this really large pond that ducks, and swans shared. It was in the shape of a swan , so the vain swans insisted that it should be called swan lake. Many think that there isn't much difference between swans and ducks but there is. Swans at first didn't have long necks but they had beautiful feathers, slender bodies, and they didn't paddle like ducks, they gracefully swam. The ducks however at this time were ugly, and bulky and just frantically kicked their short legs to swim. The swans wouldn't let the ducks swim with them, which angered the ducks since they too lived at that pond. One day while the swans, and ducks were arguing about which group would swim first a flock of geese came over as they were passing by to see what all the fuss was about. They listened, and found that the swans were vain and thought that since they were prettier, and gracefuller that they should use the pond first. They also found that the ducks thought that they should use it becuase the last time the swans refused to let them have their turn. Then a goose said,(more like honked) that they should share the pond since it was rather large. The swans unsurprisingly got mad at this so a fight broke out. The ducks were pulling at the swans feet, and the geese were honking and biting the swans necks, and pulled as hard as they could. About an hour later the fight had ended. The ducks and geese stood there looking humorously at the swans. They had stretched the swans necks out so far that they couldn't hold their heads up. A few hours later the swans had finally shortened their necks at least to the point where they could steadily hold them. But after that day swans, ducks, and geese shared all the ponds in peace, and there were no taking turns. But still today the swans have fairly long necks. The ducks however are no longer ugly,they to are pretty, and a little more graceful.
Watching Me Go « Result #7 on Feb 23, 2009, 2:01am »
The crayoned picture shows a first-grade boy with shoebox arms, stovepipe legs and tears squirting like melon seeds.wow power leveling, The carefully printed caption reads, "I am so sad." It is my son Brendan's drawing-journal entry for September 19. Brendan cried his first day of school, dissolving at his classroom door like a human bouillon cube. wow power leveling,The classroom jiggled with small faces, wet-combed hair, white Nikes and new backpacks. Something furry scuttled around in a big wire cage. Garden flowers rested on Mrs. Phillips's desk. Mrs. Phillips has halo status at our school. She is a kind, soft-spoken master of the six-year-old mind. But even she could not coax Brendan to a seat. Most kids sat eagerly awaiting thingy and Jane and two plus two. Not my Brendan. His eyes streamed, his nose ran and he clung to me like a snail on a strawberry. I plucked him off and escaped. It wasn't that Brendan didn't like school. He was the kid at the preschool Christmas concert who knew everyone's part and who performed "Jingle Bells" with operatic passion. Brendan just didn't like being apart from me. wow power leveling,We'd had some good times, he and I, in those preschool years. We played at the pool. We skated on quiet morning ice. We sampled half the treat tray at weekly neighbourhood coffee parties. Our time together wasn't exactly material for a picture book, but it was time together. And time moves differently for a child. Now in Grade 1, Brendan was faced with five hours of wondering what I was doing with my day. wow gold,Brendan always came home for lunch, the only one of his class not to eat at his desk. But once home, fed and hugged, a far-away look of longing would crease his gentle brow--he wanted to go back to school to play! So I walked him back, waited with him until he spotted someone he knew, then left. He told me once that he watched me until he couldn't see me anymore, so I always walked fast and never looked back. One day when I took Brendan back after lunch, he spied a friend, kissed me goodbye, and scampered right off. I went, feeling pleased for him, celebrating his new independence, his entry into the first-grade social loop. And I felt pleased for myself, a sense of well-being and accomplishment that I, too, had entered the mystic circle of parents whose children separated easily.
Then--I don't know why--I glanced back. And there he was.wow gold, The playground buzzed all around him, kids everywhere, and he stood, his chin tucked close, his body held small, his face intent but not sad, blowing me kisses. So brave, so unashamed, so completely loving, Brendan was watching me go.
No book on mothering could have prepared me for that quick, raw glimpse into my child's soul. My mind leaped 15 years ahead to him packing boxes and his dog grown old and him saying, "Dry up, Mom. It's not like I'm leaving the country." In my mind I tore up the card every mother signs saying she'll let her child go when he's ready. I looked
at my Brendan, wow gold,his shirt tucked in, every button done up, his toes just turned in a bit, and I though, "OK, you're six for me forever. Just try to grow up, I dare you." With a smile I had to really dig for, I blew him a kiss, turned and walked away.
This story took place several years ago,wow power leveling, when our boys were about eight years old. It was the first game of the season, and the first game in which the boys began pitching. I went out to discuss ground rules with the umpire and realized that is was also the first year that the boys could steal bases. Unfortunately, we had not gone over this in practice. wow power leveling,So I hurried back to the dugout, gathered my players and proceeded to go over the rules.wow power leveling, As I got to the subject of stealing bases, I announced enthusiastically, "And this year we get to steal!" The news caused the boys to erupt into yelling and cheering. wow gold,Their response left me thinking positively that this might all work out okay after all. wow gold,Then the cheers died down, and as our team was about to take the field, one player loudly exclaimed,wow gold,"Steal what?!" I let out a groan as I realized that the question had come from my son!
Mr. FooI Wants to Move the Mountain « Result #9 on Feb 16, 2009, 9:46pm »
there were two high mountains between Jizhou in the south and Heyang in the north. One was called Taihang Mountain and the other Wangwu Mountain.wow power leveling, Both of the mountains were very high.
Just to the north of the mountains lived an old man called Yu Gong who was nearly 90 years old. With the two high mountains just in front of his house, his family and he had to walk a long way around the mountains whenever they had something to do on the other side of the mountains.
One day, Yu Gong called all his family together to talk about how to move the two mountains to other places. His wife said, "An old man like you cannot even move a small hill, not to mention the two high mountains.wow power leveling, Even if you can, where can you throw so much earth and stone?"
"the Bohai Sea is big enough to contain all the earth and stone," Yu Gong said. So it was decided. His children started to dig the mountains, led by the old man Yu Gong.
A man named Zhi Sou saw them working and tried to stop them, saying, "You are so silly! You're so old and weak that you can't even take away the grass and trees. wow gold,How can you move the high mountains?"
"You're wrong," Yu Gong said with a sigh. "Look, my sons can continue my work after my death. When my sons die, my grandchildren will continue. So generations after generations, there's no end.wow gold, But the mountains can't grow higher. Do you still say I can¡¯t move them away?"
Later the Heaven God, upon learning of Yu Gong¡¯s story, was GREatly moved.wow power leveling, He then ordered another god to come down and take the two high mountains away.
the story tells us that so long as one is determined and sticks to it long enough, anything can be done, wow gold,no matter how difficult it is.
Gifts of the Heart « Result #10 on Feb 9, 2009, 9:32pm »
In this hustle-bustle world we live in it's so much easier to charge something on a credit card rather than give a gift of the heart. And gifts of the heart are especially needed during the holidays. A few years ago, I began to prepare my children for the fact that Christmas that year was going to be a small one. Their response was, "Yeah sure, Mom, we've heard that before!" I had lost my credibility because I had told them the same thing the previous year, while going through a divorce.wow power leveling But then I had gone out and charged every credit card to the max. I even found some creative financing techniques to pay for their stocking stuffers. This year was definitely going to be different, but they weren't buying it. A week before Christmas, I asked myself, What do I have that will make this Christmas special? In all the houses we had lived in before the divorce, I had always made time to be the interior decorator. I had learned how to wallpaper, to lay wooden and ceramic tile, to sew curtains out of sheets and even more. But in this rental house there was little time for decorating and a lot less money. Plus, I was angry about this ugly place, I with its read and orange carpets and turquoise and green walls. I refused to put money into it. Inside me, and inner voice of hurt pride shouted, We're not going to be here that long! Nobody else seemed to mind about the house except my daughter Lisa, who always tried to make her room her special place. It was time to express my talents.wow gold I called my ex-husband and asked that he buy a specific bedspread for Lisa. Then I bought the sheets to match. On Christmas Eve, I spent $15 on a gallon of paint. I also bought the prettiest stationery I'd ever seen. My goal was simple: I'd paint and we and stay busy until Christmas morning, so I wouldn't have time to feel sorry for myself on such a special family holiday. That night, I gave each of the children three pieces of stationery with envelopes. At the top of each page were the words, "What I love about my sister Mia," "What I love about my brother Kris," What I love about my sister Lisa" and "What I love about my brother Erik." The kids were 16, 14, wow power leveling 10 and 8, and it took some convincing on my part to assure them that they could find just one thing they liked about each other. As they wrote in privacy, I went to my bedroom and wrapped their few store-bought gifts. When I returned to the kitchen, the children had finished their letters to one another. Each name was written on the outside of the envelope. We exchanged hugs and goodnight kisses and they hurried off to bed. Lisa was given special permission to sleep in my bed, with the promise not to peek until Christmas morning. I got started in the wee hours of Christmas morn,wow gold I finished the curtains, painted the walls and stepped back to admire my masterpiece.
Wait-why not put rainbows and clouds on the walls to match the sheets? So out came my makeup brushes and sponges, and at 5 A.M. I was finished. Too exhausted to think about being a poor "broken home," as statistics said,wow gold I went to my room and found Lisa spread-eagled in my bed. I decided I couldn't sleep with arms and legs all over me, so I gently lifted her up and tiptoed her into her room. As I laid her head on the pillow, she said, "Mommy, is it morning yet?" "No sweetie, keep your eyes closed unit Santa comes." I awoke that morning with a bright whisper in my ear. "Wow, Mommy, it's beautiful!" Later, we all got up and sat around the tree and opened the few wrapped presents. Afterward the children were given their three envelopes. We read the words with teary eyes and red noses. Then we got to "the baby of the family's" notes. Erik, at 8, wasn't expecting to hear anything nice. His brother had written: "What I love about my brother Erik is that he's not afraid of anything." Mia had written,wow power leveling "What I love about my brother Erik is he can talk to anybody!" Lisa had written, "What I love about my brother Erik he can climb trees higher than anyone!" I felt a gentle tug at my sleeve, then a small hand cupped around my ear and Erik whispered, "Gee, Mom, I didn't even know they like me!" In the worst of times, creativity and resourcefulness had given us the best of times. I'm now back on my feet financially, and we've had many "big" Christmases with lots of presents under the tree¡but when asked which Christmas is our favorite, we all remember that one.
![[Home]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/home.gif)
![[Help]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/help.gif)
![[Search]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/search.gif)
![[Login]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/login.gif)
![[Register]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/register.gif)
![[Search This Thread]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/search2.gif)
![[Reply]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/reply.gif)
![[Send Topic To Friend]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/sendtopic.gif)
![[Print]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/print.gif)
Author
![[Quote]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif)
Logged